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Things Babe Ruth Would Say If He Were Alive Today

by David Letterman
September 8, 1998

10. "You call this a baseball team? Where are all the fat guys?"
9. "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
8. "All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a candy bar after me?"
7. "All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a talking pig after me?"
6. "Hell, if that's the case, I would have been impeached from the Yankees 500 times."
5. "I won't play unless I'm paid one hundred thousand dollars a year!"
4. "I can't believe all these naked photos of me on the internet."
3. "I've just come back from the dead - so can't Denny's give me a free meal?"
2. "Yeah, I'd like to see McGwire hit 60 home runs drunk off his ass!"
1. "Steinbrenner sucks."

From Baseball Alamanac

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here".
"Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."

On June 17, 1962, in a game between the Mets and the Cubs at the Polo Grounds,
"Marvelous" Marv Thronberry slammed a two-run triple. But while he was catching his breath on third base, Chicago firstbaseman Ernie Banks called for the ball and appealed that Marv had missed first base. The appeal was upheld and he was called out. Mets manager Casey Stengel ran out from the dugout to argue the call until umpire Dusty Boggess said, "Forget it Casey.He didn't touch second either!"

Pitcher Bill Werle got Bill Nicholson to hit a high infield popup in front of the mound. As trained, he called for an infielder to make the play. "Eddie's got it! Eddie's got it!," he yelled.

Then, he watched the ball fall untouched as catcher Eddie Fitzgerald, first baseman Eddie Stevens and third baseman Eddie Bockman looked on.

Why Baseball IS Better Than Sex

The Top Ten

Rank Reason
10. It is legal to play professionally.
9. You can count on it at least four times a week.
8. You have a coach to tell you when to advance.
7. When you are tired, you always get relieved.
6. If you strike out once, you always have two more chances for a hit.
5. Up to four people can score at once.
4. Pop ups are frequent.
3. 30,000 people cheer when you score.
2. After seven innings, you get to stretch.
1. You can get a home run without any foreplay.

Let the BASEBALL ALMANAC put a smile on your face. It is filled with hundreds of jokes, anecdotes, lists, stories and cartoons - all of them related to baseball. Visit this fun site today! It is recommended by Pete Rose! Click Below!


"Baseball Almanac is the only fair and accurate source I've visited (on the internet)." - Pete Rose

Signs an Umpire is Nuts

by David Letterman
September 30, 1997
# Reason
10. His chest protector has large silicone implants.
9. Cleans home plate with his tongue.
8. The first batter has worked the count up to 46 balls, 29 strikes.
7. Makes own face mask out of bubble wrap and duct tape.
6. Was seen checking into Motel 6 with the Philly Phanatic.
5. Three small and very telling words: wears a cape.
4. Keeps running up to fat guys in the stands and yelling, "Babe Ruth! You're alive!"
3. Insists that "Baseball Fever" is the cause of that weird rash on his back.
2. Whenever he sees a player adjusting himself, shouts, "Ball two!"
1. Long after the game has ended, he's still squatting.

From Baseball Alamanac

"A young lady arrived at her first ballgame during the 5th inning. "The score is 0 to 0," she heard a nearby fan say. "Oh, good," she cooed to her boyfriend, "then we haven't missed a thing."

Baseball fans are hoping that President Clinton may throw out the first pitch at one of the World Series games.
"Normally, we'd ask Hillary," said a baseball spokesman. "Because she seems to be the one with the balls."

An interviewer started to ask Yogi Berra about his two hits from the previous night when Berra corrected him and said he had three hits.

The interviewer apologized. "I checked the paper and the boxscore said you had two hits. The third must have been a typographical error."

"Hell, no," Berra replied. "It was clean single to left."


Punchlines to Dirty Baseball Jokes

by David Letterman
May 9, 1996
# Reason
10. When he pops one up, he really pops one up.
9. And she said, 'how do you get it to curve like that?'
8. Holy Cow, I can't believe it. Another trip to the mound.
7. That's the biggest strike zone I've ever seen.
6. So his wife says, 'It's not a Ball Park Frank, but it plumps when I cook it.'
5. The last time I caught fungoes, I was in Mexico.
4. Just pretend you're Bill Buckner, let it go between your legs.
3. All I know is, it had pinstripes.
2. Whoops, I thought you said Orel Hershiser.
1. It's not a Louisville Slugger, but keep choking up

From Baseball Alamanac

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new
country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring! The next
batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars
with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A
third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The
next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the
Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the
surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan,
sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four
balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and
screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

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