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TOP TEN
Things Babe Ruth Would Say If He Were
Alive Today
by David Letterman ©
September 8, 1998
10. "You call this a baseball team? Where are all the
fat guys?"
9. "Yo quiero Taco Bell!"
8. "All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a candy bar after me?"
7.
"All right, who's the son-of-a-bitch who named a talking pig after me?"
6. "Hell, if that's the case, I would have been
impeached from the Yankees 500 times."
5. "I won't play unless I'm paid one hundred thousand dollars a year!"
4. "I
can't believe all these naked photos of me on the internet."
3. "I've just come back from the dead - so can't Denny's
give me a free meal?"
2. "Yeah, I'd like to see McGwire hit 60 home runs drunk off his ass!"
1. "Steinbrenner sucks."
From Baseball Alamanac
http://baseball-almanac.com
One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.
Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up
here".
"Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."
On June 17, 1962, in a game between the Mets and the Cubs
at the Polo Grounds,
"Marvelous" Marv Thronberry slammed a two-run triple. But while he was catching his breath on third
base, Chicago firstbaseman Ernie Banks called for the ball and appealed that Marv had missed first base. The appeal was upheld
and he was called out. Mets manager Casey Stengel ran out from the dugout to argue the call until umpire Dusty Boggess said,
"Forget it Casey.He didn't touch second either!"
Pitcher Bill Werle got Bill Nicholson to hit a high infield popup
in front of the mound. As trained, he called for an infielder to make the play. "Eddie's got it! Eddie's got it!," he yelled.
Then, he watched the ball fall untouched as catcher Eddie Fitzgerald, first baseman Eddie Stevens and third baseman
Eddie Bockman looked on.
Why Baseball IS Better Than Sex
The Top Ten
Rank
Reason
10. It is legal to play professionally.
9. You can count on it at least four times a week.
8. You have
a coach to tell you when to advance.
7. When you are tired, you always get relieved.
6. If you strike out once, you
always have two more chances for a hit.
5. Up to four people can score at once.
4. Pop ups are frequent.
3. 30,000
people cheer when you score.
2. After seven innings, you get to stretch.
1. You can get a home run without any foreplay.
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Let the BASEBALL ALMANAC put a smile on
your face. It is filled with hundreds of jokes, anecdotes, lists, stories and cartoons - all of them related to baseball.
Visit this fun site today! It is recommended by Pete Rose! Click Below!
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source I've visited (on the internet)." - Pete Rose
TOP TEN
Signs an Umpire is Nuts
by David Letterman
September 30, 1997
# Reason
10. His chest protector has large silicone implants.
9. Cleans home plate with
his tongue.
8. The first batter has worked the count up to 46 balls, 29 strikes.
7. Makes own face mask out of bubble
wrap and duct tape.
6. Was seen checking into Motel 6 with the Philly Phanatic.
5. Three small and very telling words:
wears a cape.
4. Keeps running up to fat guys in the stands and yelling, "Babe Ruth! You're alive!"
3. Insists that
"Baseball Fever" is the cause of that weird rash on his back.
2. Whenever he sees a player adjusting himself, shouts,
"Ball two!"
1. Long after the game has ended, he's still squatting.
From Baseball Alamanac
http://baseball-almanac.com
"A young lady arrived at her first ballgame during
the 5th inning. "The score is 0 to 0," she heard a nearby fan say. "Oh, good," she cooed to her boyfriend, "then we haven't
missed a thing."
Baseball fans are hoping that President Clinton may throw out the first pitch at one of the World
Series games.
"Normally, we'd ask Hillary," said a baseball spokesman. "Because she seems to be the one with the balls."
An interviewer started to ask Yogi Berra about his two hits from the previous night when Berra corrected him and said
he had three hits.
The interviewer apologized. "I checked the paper and the boxscore said you had two hits. The third
must have been a typographical error."
"Hell, no," Berra replied. "It was clean single to left."
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TOP TEN
Punchlines to Dirty Baseball Jokes
by David Letterman
©
May 9, 1996
# Reason
10. When he pops one up, he really pops one up.
9. And she said, 'how do you get it
to curve like that?'
8. Holy Cow, I can't believe it. Another trip to the mound.
7. That's the biggest strike zone
I've ever seen.
6. So his wife says, 'It's not a Ball Park Frank, but it plumps when I cook it.'
5. The last time
I caught fungoes, I was in Mexico.
4. Just pretend you're Bill Buckner, let it go between your legs.
3. All I know
is, it had pinstripes.
2. Whoops, I thought you said Orel Hershiser.
1. It's not a Louisville Slugger, but keep choking
up
From Baseball Alamanac
http://baseball-almanac.com
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball
game in his new
country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next
batter connects heavily
with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars
with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will
ya!" A
third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his
knowledge of the game, screams
"R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The
next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the
Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the
surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down
confused. A friendly fan,
sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four
balls." After
this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and
screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
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